My disillusionment with church.

For everyone who has ever asked me or wondered, “why doesn’t Ashley go to church anymore? Don’t her and BJ love Jesus?” This is for you.

This is my disillusionment with church. 

I know my story isn’t unique. It isn’t special, and it doesn’t give me a free pass to walk away from the bride of Christ. I just want to share my heart with you.

Anyone that knew me even semi-well during my middle school years will probably remember an event that was significant to me. I won’t divulge details. I respect the other people involved too much, and it is not fair to recount things here that are hurtful. I will only say that this event involved a person of significant stance in my local church and that what transpired between this person and my family is what eventually led my parents to separate.

That in and of itself was a terrible pain that I dealt with for many years. However, God never left me, and I never stopped believing in him. I was old enough to know by then that people aren’t perfect, not even parents or those in ministry, and that I shouldn’t interpret people’s failures as God’s injustice and hatred for me. 

Though my own family never quite found their way back to church, God led me to a new one through an invitation of my best friend and her mom. I started going to TWOC in Louisville on a regular basis. I was 17. I loved it. The message of hope and prosperity resonated with me. I had been in such a desolate place spiritually and socially that TWOC was exactly what I needed to reconnect my spirit with God. I connected and tried to make friends by showing up whenever the doors were open and even getting a part-time gig in the coffee shop there. I loved it, but when my family moved to Alabama from Kentucky, I had to leave it behind.

Once in Birmingham (actually Alabaster), I attended church sporadically. I knew not one soul in the entire city, and it was such a lonely year of my life. I held down several different jobs, and I would quit every job after a couple of months after I got bored. I was dreaming of moving to Nashville. I visited Nashville as often as I could afford to, and I thought if I moved there that Nashvillians would understand me and get me. They were musicians and in the heart of the Bible belt so I thought I might find that sense of belonging there that I was missing everywhere else. I never did end up going.

Fast forward to meeting BJ. The month we got engaged, he was hired as a community pastor in a town far, far up north near Chicago. We moved there in ’07. We fell in love with the people. Our souls felt like they were finally at home. We met people who loved God and wanted to serve homeless people and the destitute and who would lay down their lives or bank accounts for complete strangers if they needed it. We made some of the best friends there we would ever have.

Leaving was hard. Again, I will not go into details, but the actual circumstances that led up to us leaving a year later were not initially voluntary. We felt a lot of betrayal, confusion, pain, and so many other feelings I hate remembering. It was a huge loss for us spiritually. Also, it was a huge loss for BJ vocationally because, as he explained it to me, he finds so much identity in his work. So having to leave a job that was so much more than just a job to him was like losing a piece of himself. (And, if you’re wondering, we came back to Alabama, and we eventually knew that leaving Illinois was the best thing for us. I still regret how it happened, but I don’t regret that it happened. And I have made peace with it all. But it undeniably left scars.)

Back in Alabama, we started attending church sporadically. We lived in Talladega, and neither BJ nor I knew anyone here that wasn’t related to us by blood or marriage, so we did not have any friends. We found a nice church whose message and purpose we connected with, and we joined. But we never really dug in. We were as involved as any season in our lives would allow us to be. After all, BJ has been working a full-time job and attending school full-time since 2009 up until now. And I have been a full-time student since then, too.

However, our involvement in church was never really a commitment, it was more of a convenience. We’d show up when we could and didn’t when we couldn’t. It was like we were afraid of long-term commitment. We were gun-shy. And every time we would start to get a little more involved, it felt like satan would attack us with another circumstance in life that would just knock us spiritually on our asses again. So we started getting lazy.

Throughout 2011 and 2012, BJ applied for ministry positions. He had a few interviews and was most recently offered a position this past spring. But we didn’t take it. I’d say 75% of the reasons for us not going were legitimate reasons (it wouldn’t work out financially, too far away from family, etc), but a good portion of it, I think, was that we are just sick and damn tired of being burned.

Being employed in the church and seeing the underbelly of how everything works is definitely where part of my disillusionment comes from. Seeing how ministers of God manage the hiring process is especially nauseating. “Hey, can you take a day off work from the job that pays your bills and drive ten hours round-trip to interview, and oh yeah, we’ll send you a check for your gas (except we really won’t)”. That was actually a common experience. “We’ll keep you updated on the hiring process. Expect an email within the week.” Then: nothing. This was also common. In fact, the churches that responded when they said they would were a small minority. It’s pretty sad when you are excited to open a rejection letter because at least it means they followed through with their word and updated you when they said they would.

Or “Hey, we want you to work for us, but we’re going to pay you so little that you won’t be able to afford health insurance for your family, your kids will be eligible for Medicaid, and we can help you sign up for food stamps? Also, you’ll probably have to get a part-time job but we will work you so many hours here that you won’t have time for another job.”

Best. Job. Offer. Ever.

Then being employed by a church..it’s all great until fire comes down on you. The worst thing about parting ways with a church is that you can apologize and then leave but still never know what you did wrong.

Another part of my disillusionment obviously comes from what happened to my family as a kid. It’s not the event itself, but the reaction of Christians to the event. People who claimed to love God did not show forgiveness and mercy. It was hurtful.

Also, my struggle with depression plays a part, I’m sure. I tend to view the negative in everything before the positive, and I have little tolerance for perceived bullshit. (I call myself a realist, but BJ says I’m a pessimist. He’s probably right.) Being an introvert also doesn’t help because I hate small talk.

I don’t care that you went to the beach this weekend. “What is the defining event in your past that separated your adolescence form your adulthood? When did you wake up and realize things would never be the same? How did you feel when your mom walked out? Did you ever get to tell her? Did she ever apologize?” These are all things that I want to talk about, but I’m so impatient with “did you catch anything fishing this weekend?”

And when you don’t show up for a while, people ask where you’ve been. No one buys “All my assignments are due on the weekends,” but it’s true. It’s nearly impossible for us to be involved as anything other than spectators with our work loads right now.

Lastly, there is the bad doctrine. (Tithe at least 10% or you don’t love Jesus. Go to Ghana or you don’t love Jesus. That kind of thing. But this is another post entirely.)

I’m not saying these are legitimate reasons for telling the church to go screw itself and that we will do this God thing alone. They’re not. This post is just my answer to the question I get ever so often: “Why haven’t you been to church?”

Truly, I’m tired.
I’ve got papers to write.
My husband works his ass off and then comes home to write more papers.
I try to make sure we have clean clothes to wear and that dinner is homemade more nights than it’s not.
I need to see a surgeon, dentist, dermatologist, and therapist right now, but I don’t have time for that either. 
God is a priority, but right now, loving his church just isn’t. 

I don’t want sympathy from my fellow Christians. I just ask for some understanding. Not judgment. And perhaps, if you are involved with hiring and firing at your church, some empathy for your ministry candidates and employees. We love Jesus, but we’d like to be able to feed our kids. Those should not be mutually exclusive.  

Bring on the Jesus jukes.

Wedded Bliss: Mama Mims On The Tie That Binds

No, no one has ever actually called me Mama Mims, but I’m about to get authoritative here so I need you to imagine me as an old southern lady with that gleam in my eye like I know what I’m talking about while we sit outdoors on my wraparound porch as I serve you sweet tea and lemon meringue pie and tell you like it is. Kind of like this.

I’m going to try something new for this blog, and while I don’t believe in themes persay, I want to start a few series on various topics. Some topics will be serious in nature and others will be silly. Today we will start with the serious: marriage stuff I learned and want to pass on to anyone with ears.

Before your wedding, everyone tells you to make sure you and your betrothed are on the same page about finances. This is obviously good advice, but no one really tells you how to do it without being awkward. SInce you’re about to see each other every day for the rest of your lives and endure decades of potential awkwardness (pooping with the door open, finding nasty beard hair clogging up the sink, wiping each other’s asses when you’re old), I suggest getting over the awkward pretty quickly. You’re about to spend ever after together paying bills, taking financial risks, and reaping the consequences of those risks. So if you’re married and fighting about money or are about to get married and aren’t sure about what works and what doesn’t, this is for you.

One of the best pieces of marriage advice I ever got (okay, MANY of the best pieces of marriage advice I got) came from our pastor, Ron, in Illinois who did our premarital counseling in 2007.

Decide on an amount that, anything up to that amount is ok to spend without talking it over with your spouse. Anything above that amount? Make sure to have a discussion with your spouse that ensures you’re on the same page about the purchase. Example: BJ bought The Hobbit on Blu Ray the other day. It was probably $30. I didn’t care. A few days later when I was out shopping I found a food processor I wanted. It was $70. I called BJ and made sure we were on the same page about needing the food processor. We were, so I made the purchase. It’s not about getting permission (if you know me, you know I don’t ask permission for squat), but it’s about communicating and living within our means. Doing this serves us when one of us wants to make an impulse purchase. Calling the other helps us to get our heads straight and saves us hundreds of impulse dollars.

Your amount could be $10 or it could be $200. Everyone’s budget is different. The amount at which we consult each other is about $40. If it costs more than that, we always double check with each other. This helps to ensure that:

1) we actually need the item
2) we are not paying an outrageous price, and
3) the other person agrees the money is well spent and wasn’t planning on using it another way.

It works for us. It’s simple, and it shows my respect for BJ when I consult him on important financial decisions. It also keeps me from kicking him in the shins when he calls asks me to talk him out of leaving the Apple store with a brand new box of overpriced but ever so lovely technology.

If you don’t do it already and you’re always fighting about money, try this. If you already do it, does it work for you?

When a Kentucky fan roots for Louisville.

I was giving my uncle a hard time one night recently for all his Louisville memorabilia and he looked at me and goes, “Girl, you was raised in Louisville. You’re a traitor.” I just smiled and said, “Nope. I was raised in Shepherdsville.” (In the suburbs. I know, I’m a badass right?) But even though I am a Kentucky basketball fan, I could not be happier that Louisville won this season’s championship!!!

I grew up during the Pitino-Crum years. Pitino was at Kentucky and Crum was at Louisville since before my dad graduated high school. When the Cats won that championship in 1996 I remember being ecstatic. When Tubby came to coach and won the next championship in 1998, it solidified my love for Kentucky. I kind of idolized Scott Padgett and Travis Ford.

I moved from Kentucky to Alabama the summer I turned I eighteen. Until then, I had no idea people took their football so seriously. See, I come from the land of basketball. Not that Kentucky doesn’t have good football teams. Louisville is usually a solid team. Kentucky, well, almost never is. So there isn’t much of a football rivalry there. But come basketball season and we’re all talking smack.

It’s hard to explain if you’re not into sports. I tell my Alabama family that to try and understand the importance of basketball in Kentucky, they must realize it is equal to the Alabama-Auburn football rivalry here.

I knew Kentucky was going to have a rough year. Life’s a bitch when you lose all your starters to the NBA. Also, I am not one of those fans that refuses to acknowledge talent in a rival team. To me, that is as ignorant as a music fan saying, “No, I’m a Beatles fan. The Stones are terrible and should rot in hell because The Beatles have more number one hits!” Because each team offers something unique to world of college sports.

I have been tempted to hate Pitino because something just doesn’t rub me right about coaching a rival team, but I’ve put that behind me. (I have to. Otherwise I would have to hate Nick Saban, too.) On the flipside, Louisville fans give Calipari flack for the Memphis violation. But the fact remains that he is a good coach. And after the Gillespie years, we are thankful. (As a sidenote: Pitino has now coached longer at Louisville than he did at Kentucky. I guess my childhood dream of getting a Kentucky basketball signed by him is dead.)

I consider myself lucky to have a front row seat in two of the most notorious college sports rivalries. When game time comes pitting Louisville and Kentucky against each other, I will always root for Kentucky. But truthfully, I like to see Louisville win any other time because to get to the final four with them is exhilarating. Maybe I’ll end up in North Carolina one day and hit the trifecta of rivalries (UNC-Duke).

Why ABC’s “Nashville” Resonates with me.

Like a few million other people in America, I love ABC’s show “Nashville” that premiered in the fall of 2012. You probably think it’s because I’m a musician and songwriter, and you’re partly right. For about five years in teenage-land, the only dream I had was to move south from my Louisville suburb to the land of milk and honey and write songs, start a band, play at the Bluebird, get signed, and live happily ever after writing songs in my custom built studio on the back edge of my private property that overlooks a nice stream with stunning sunset views.

And while I thoroughly enjoy seeing the Opry and the Ryman and the Bluebird and many other Nashville landmarks (and musicians) featured in the show, that’s not the real reason I love it. (Though, confessionally, I almost peed my pants in sheer joy when Will Hoge’s “Even if it Breaks Your Heart” was used in the opening scene of the very first show. I have been a fan of that man since he was playing the smokiest of bars.)

One of the two main “stars” of the show, portrayed by Hayden Panettiere, is the fictional country superstar named Juliette Barnes. She is a spitfire songwriting blonde bombshell that can write songs and make all of a marketing manager’s dreams come true. The reason I love her character so much is because she is a little rebellious. Her backstory is that she was discovered on a local TV singing competition in her small town in Alabama. Her mama is a drug addict, and her daddy is never mentioned. Much like Carrie Underwood became a household name instantly, Juliette rises to fame and becomes the envy of every teenage girl in America. But Juliette’s vulnerability is what draws me into the show. (Yes, Connie Britton is amazingly talented. Love that voice. And Chip Esten and her chemistry rival Mer-Der’s on Grey’s. But the show goes deeper for someone like me.)

Early on in the season, Juliette is confronted with her addict mother, Jolene, who calls Juliette and relentlessly begs for money (assumed for drugs). Juliette ignores the calls at first, but eventually her mom shows up at her record label and then at her house.Juliette can tell her mother is still high even though her Jolene claims to be clean going on two weeks. Here’s a clip that brought me to tears:

Against her better judgment, Juliette eventually lets her mother move into her place. Jolene isn’t yet ready for rehab and Juliette doesn’t push it, she just tries to keep her mom at a comfortable emotional distance and deal with emotional pain in her snarky way. One day while Juliette is out, she makes a mistake. She shoplifts a bottle of nail polish from the supermarket (they always shop at Kroger in this show.) Some fans happen to catch her indiscretion on video and immediately upload it to Youtube. She is instantly confronted with her mistake by the media, her fans, and her manager. Her mother asks her why the hell she would steal nail polish since she has all that money. What no one except the viewer sees is all that Juliette’s been through in practically raising her mother instead of her mother raising her and that her lapse in judgment was just an old childhood behavior she repeated for a sense of control over the situation. At least, this is how I interpreted it.

There are many more storylines and subplots in the show, and I don’t want to ruin it for anyone not caught up with the episodes, but I want to lay out why this show resonates with me so much. If you know me at all, you can probably guess.

After Juliette comes home one afternoon to find Jolene strung out on meth and a strange man in bed with her, she kicks the guy out and ends up arguing on the front lawn with her mom in her skivvies while the neighborhood gathers to watch the emotional train wreck. Juliette doesn’t know what to do so she calls Deacon. Juliette’s friend, Deacon, is a former addict himself. He encourages Jolene to go into rehab. She does. She even drops a bottle of pills on the way into the facility and reaches down to pick them up. Deacon doesn’t let her and Jolene loses it even more for a minute and slaps Juliette in the face for “making” her to go to rehab. Deacon just walks her in.

That isn’t even the beautiful part. The beautiful part is watching Juliette and her mother heal their relationship. Juliette tries to keep her at a distance, and I don’t blame her. I know all about it. But when her mother completes rehab, Juliette goes out on a limb and decides to try asking her mom to live with her again. “It’s a big house,” she says.

Juliette’s character is growing all throughout the show. With every mishap (that marriage!) and every self-discovery, she is maturing in front of our very eyes. I fell in love with Juliette because, while I wanted to hate her for being so pretty, so is so much like me inside.

I crave a relationship with my mom. I crave my mom entering rehab for her addictions and then coming to me, like Juliette’s mom did, and saying sorry. “Sorry for ruining your ninth birthday party,” Jolene says to Juliette. And then you know what Jolene does? She sticks around. (At least, this far in the show she has.) She sticks around and meets with her addiction counselor and works through her issues. Not only is she sorry, but she is the picture of genuine repentance. Why? Because the apology is the prelude to the change. She doesn’t go back and let her addiction rule her again. Sure, she screws up and drinks champagne at a party and gets falling down drunk. But the next day she tries again. And that’s the beauty in this relationship between Juliette and her mom. Her mom tries. And Juliette is learning to forgive, and if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see her work out some trust issues with her mom in the next couple of seasons.

This show is a hit because it combines great music with inspiring narratives. Rayna and Teddy, high-powered as they are, are relate-able to couples whose marriages might not be what they envisioned. Deacon is relate-able because he struggles with addiction. Scarlett and Gunnar are relate-able because they uncover their dreams and then try to make them come true without compromising their integrity.

I don’t know how much more you could ask for in a show. It has its pitfalls. Like Grey’s, the “sexy” scenes can be a little much. But if you can get past that, you can find the gold: characters you wish were your best friend, music you wish you wrote and find yourself singing along to days later, and talent you wish you had. We all know what it’s like to have a dream. Juliette’s dream of making music for a living came true. Now I want to see her relationship with her mom in repair. Because I am living vicariously through her.

Never underestimate the power fiction has to speak to a soul.

Just for fun, some of my favorite performances from ABC’s Nashville:

Scarlett (Clare Bowen) singing Cash’s “Ring of Fire”

Scarlett and Gunnar (Sam Palladio) singing the Civil Wars’ “If I Didn’t Know Better” (the song that made me fall in love with the Civil Wars years ago.)

And of course, Rayna (Connie Britton) and Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) collaborating by force to write and perform “Wrong Song”.

& lastly

Juliette singing such an amazingly beautiful song, “For Your Glory”.

I don’t think I have to worry about fostering Lucy’s independence.

Lucy discovering the world

I had just finished bathing my girls this morning and we were playing on the couch. Suddenly, four year-old Lucy looks at me seriously and asks, “Mom, why do you always stay home with us and never leave the house?”

Obviously intrigued, I asked “Where do you want me to go?” I was waiting for this to get good. Like maybe she’d tell me to join the circus so she could ride an elephant anytime she wants.

She replied, “Well, you can go far, far away and we can take care of ourselves.”

I was NOT expecting that.

“Where should I go? To work? Or to China?”

“You can work and Pop-pop and Jon will take care of us. Nano and Pop-pop can babysit us.”

“How about preschool?”

“I want Nano to take us to school!”

Ok then, it’s official: no separation anxiety for the eldest. I had suspected for quite some time that she was going to be independent. After all, she waves to strangers in parking lots and starts conversations in check-out lines sometimes revealing funny and personal info (like when she told the Wal-Mart lady “My daddy is home and he’s grumpy and tired” the week we were all down with the stomach bug.) I won’t be surprised if that girl ends up as an actress or a talk-show host.

But now my four year old is hassling me to get a job. Hahaha.

Parenthood Wars

I am an avid reader. I will read anything I can get my hands on. I read articles at doctor’s offices and in bed at night and in the morning while I drink my coffee and even in the john. (TMI? Most definitely.) I don’t care where my reading material comes from and I don’t even know if it is produced by conservative or liberal media half of the time. (Reckless? Probably.) I just like to read and form my own opinions. I guess I like to be educated about what’s going on in the world. And if you’re a woman of marriage and/or childbearing age in the U.S. or you are married to one, you might understand what I’m about to say.

I am overtired.

Dr. Ferber said we should let our babies cry it out. Betty Friedan said we’re miserable because we stay at home and succumb to domesticity. Dr. Sears said we should practice attachment parenting; in the 90′s he was against mothers leaving their babies too soon to work and now he says he is tired of being the voice of the plight of working mothers. Studies have shown stay at home moms are more likely to be depressed than working moms. Studies have shown that working moms are more likely to be depressed than stay at home moms. Studies have shown that moms who only work part-time are happier than unicorns. When does it stop? When do we have to stop validating our choices? When can we own what we do without feeling like we need to justify it to everyone else?

The truth is, you can conduct a study and probably make it show any result you want to given the right control group and circumstances. The truth IS, your situation is what you make of it, and the only thing these studies actually agree on is that it’s freaking hard to be a parent.

And it’s not just moms. I have a friend, Loren. Her husband, Travis, stays at home full-time with their wonderful daughter and takes college classes while Loren works outside the home. And they get flack for their arrangement. I want to punch people that tell her that her husband should be working and if anyone should stay at home it should be her. Truthfully, I want to punch everyone who thinks they know what’s best for anyone else.

Sure, there are universal truths. Basically, most of us would agree that murder is wrong, stealing should be punished, and lying is the worst character trait to have. Even if we don’t agree on one spiritual path (I am a Christian and maybe you’re a Jew), I think we would agree that the Golden Rule, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, is a pretty good principle on which to base our lives around.

So why the wars? Why the bashing of other families who don’t do life like we do ours? Why start mommy and women wars over the Internet with women who we share this sisterhood with? Why publish article after article and blog after blog trying to justify our situations by putting down someone else’s?

Some argue that the new age of feminism is illustrated by the power to make the choice whether to stay home or to work, to have kids or not to have kids, to do this or that. But I think that’s short-sighted. Where are our husband’s choices to stay home or work? Isn’t the ability to choose between this or that a privilege of humanity and not just something women should have? Shouldn’t men be allowed to do what’s best for their families too whether that means he works a white collar job making six figures OR stays at home with his daughter while his wife is a successful professional?

What if, oh my gosh, and this is a novel idea, we decided what was best for our families based on our own standards of belief and not what a community of well-meaning but complete strangers tries to tell us about what’s best for us? The internet and media can be a minefield of good intentions, but no one knows your family like you and your spouse.

And it’s not just strangers in the New York Times and on parenting blogs and on the Bestseller’s List that are making us question our roles as women and wives and fathers and husbands. It’s our own families. Our own spouses and mothers and friends and church members and the voices inside ourselves that tell us we’ll never measure up. To what? Well, we can’t quite figure that one out.

My best friend had her first baby after my oldest had just turned two. Amanda and I have gone through everything together our entire lives and naturally I wanted to give her a ton of advice (I did!) and encourage her through one of the most life-changing events she would ever experience. And you know what? I hope I didn’t, but I’m sure I probably said something to her that I would cringe at now and apologize for. I can’t think of anything specifically, but I’m human and so I bet I have made a stupid comment at some point that made her evaluate herself and say “Oh God… am I even doing this right?” (I really hope not because she is an amazing woman AND mother.)

Amanda and I are really close, and I have confided in her some of the things people have said to me that really brought me down instead of uplifted me. One of the funnier ones is when I was struggling through breastfeeding Lucy. (I’ll leave out the gory details.) Fran, my mother-in-law, told me that her mom nursed one child even though she had burnt her nipple on a wooden stove. LOL! At the time I felt like such a failure and kept thinking “Oh my lord, if Grandmother can nurse a baby with a burnt nipple and I can’t even make it through a little bleeding, I suck at life and the Le Leche League should hang me” or something equally as dramatic. I’m sure I overanalyzed what she said; she was probably just trying to make me laugh. But I was hormonal and inexperienced, and hearing something like this when I was already not confident to begin with (another whole story stemming from being abandoned by my own mother) definitely did not help me. Other people made further comments about breastfeeding and working vs. not working that piled on top of my fear of sucking at parenting, and I become a little gun-shy, a little lost, and a lot unsure of who I was. By the time my second was born, I was back to feeling guilty for not being able to make breastfeeding work. And the truth is, I question my worth all the time. Here’s the bull that plays out in my head:

“You are terrible. You can’t even keep the house clean. At least if you got a job you would make money and be able to justify your existence!”

“But, daycare is so expensive. And I would bring home hardly anything after gas, daycare, a clothing wardrobe, and eating out for lunch. So I should stay home. Plus, it’s good for the kids, right?”

“No, it’s not good for the kids. They see you at your worst sometimes. You can’t even do the laundry uninterrupted and then you get huffy and puffy and mean.”

“But, I’m a good mom. I love my kids and they know that. It’s good for them to see me make mistakes sometimes..”

And on and on and on.

I won’t lie and tell you I don’t struggle with my identity and self-worth anymore, but since having my second child, I have remembered the One who made me and have realized my worth is in Him. Christian or not, I have this word for moms and dads and wives and husbands: you are embarking on the hardest thing you will ever do in your life: marriage and kids. And your success in that does not depend on anyone else’s opinion of you. If it works for you and your kids and it doesn’t involve spiked Kool-Aid, go for it. And then join my hippie circle and hold my hand.

Stop the wars. If you are a grandmother, think twice about what you say before you say it to your daughter or daughter-in-law. She might not understand that you mean well and are not criticizing her. She might be a little fragile because she’s trying so hard to fit into these new roles in her life and balancing those roles with trying to find peace. If you’re a husband or a wife of someone struggling with your arrangement, be encouraging and open to change. The best thing BJ does for me is to let me know he supports me in anything I choose. This keeps me from feeling trapped, just as I suspect my support for him keeps him from feeling trapped in corporate America. If you’re a friend, just encourage. If you’re going to give advice, make sure it’s solicited and stress that this is what worked for you and your family. If you see your friends struggling, remind them that you are, too. Most of the time I think we say dumb judgmental things about other people the same way a bully picks on his target, we are trying to feel bigger and right by belittling and minimizing someone else. Don’t do it. If you do, apologize and try not to do it again. If you wanna love better, you have to. If you wanna be a best friend, you have to.

Think before you speak. And friends, please forgive me. I have questioned some of you and judged some of you in my heart for the choices your family made, and I am guilty of participating in the war of women. I have uttered “Well I really do think it’s better if mothers stay at home with their kids” and “I don’t see how anyone could only have one kid” and “How can that Duggar lady have a bazillion kids?” I’m sorry I judged you. Let’s be allies. I want to stress that this is the arrangement that works for our family, and God bless you for finding one that works for yours.

Even if it looks totally different from mine.

(Author’s note #1: If none of this applies to you and you are a woman or about to marry one, please tell me your name and address so I can move to your perfect town where no one says dumb stuff.)

(Author’s note #2: if you’re interested in the articles that inspired me to write today, find them here:

The Feminist Housewife: Can Women Have It All by Choosing to Stay Home, specifically quotes like this one: “Women, she believes, are conditioned to be more patient with children, to be better multitaskers, to be more tolerant of the quotidian grind of playdates and temper tantrums; ‘women,’ she says, ‘keep it together better than guys do.’” ← there she goes making universal statements. She would replace the word “women” with her own name and the word “guys” with her husband’s name.

The Complex, Often Idealistic Reasons Feminists Become Housewives ←love this quote: “As long as the return to domesticity continues to be a largely female prerogative, it’s going to be on uneasy footing, gender equality-wise. So let’s can the talk about women’s inherent nurturing capabilities or men’s natural need to bring home the bacon. Hopefully, one day not too far in the future, we’ll be seeing a lot more feminist househusbands.”

Attachment Parenting: How Parents Put Their Needs First <–made me think of how my own experience growing up has shaped how I raise my children. And I’m questioning how I can make that work for the better.)

Sewing

I have been wanting to learn to sew for a couple of years now. I’d like to blame Pinterest, but the truth is, my husband’s late aunt used to give my girls homemade gifts for baby showers and birthdays, and I always wanted to be able to make the kind of stuff she did. Her gifts always meant the most to me because she personalized them to my kids. From hairbows to outfits and even making baby shower invitations for me, she was amazingly talented. I only wish I had been able to spend more time with her.

Enter sewing machine #1 a couple of summers ago. I bought an old Singer from a lady on Craigslist for $60. I gave up pretty much immediately. The tension was off, the bobbin wouldn’t thread correctly, and the thread kept bunching up in the fabric. I could have probably gotten it serviced, but I decided to go computerized. I bought a mid-range Brother machine about a week ago. I LOVE IT. It has so many cool features. Eighty stitches (which is probably more than I’ll never need), an easy to thread bobbin, and a needle threading feature (which is especially helpful for people who can’t see what they’re doing when trying to thread a needle). So if you’re even remotely interested in learning to sew, here is what I recommend.

1) Do research on machines and decide what you want to spend. There are quality Brother machines that start at $80. Don’t forget, though, that you will be buying thread and fabric (unless you already have a stash), and the accessories add up quickly. I personally spent a few days googling and reading reviews and decided on this one.

2) Buy your machine and take this list with you go so you can get accessories you will need (such as a seam ripper, fabric scissors, and a fabric ruler.) Oh yeah, don’t forget to buy some  cotton fabric and thread that’s on sale to practice with!

3) Get to know your manual. Become best friends with it. Read it religiously until you can thread your bobbin and upper thread, change your presser foot, and change the needle without reading the directions. Also, it is important to read your manual so you know what in the hell a pressor foot and feed dog are. NOTE: If you are a visual learner like me, get on YouTube and search for your machine model. You will most likely find several videos that will show you how to get started.

4) Practice sewing! Like I said, you can use cheap fabric. Hobby Lobby always has a bin of clearance fabric. You can also use old cotton t-shirts or whatever you have lying around. I recommend practicing straight lines first. And then when you realize you don’t know how in the world to sew in a straight line, start watching YouTube videos to learn about seam allowances. I recommend this particular video for starters. She even has a sheet you can download for free to practice sewing straight lines (and later on, curvy lines).

5) The better you get at sewing straight lines, the more prepared you are to make your first project. I am still a SUPER beginner so I have only tried two projects. They were very easy and beginner-friendly.

1) Bean Bags

2) Baby Taggie Blanket

In addition, you can check out my sewing board on Pinterest for more links to fun tutorials.

Do not get overwhelmed with the terminology. You will pick it up quickly. And don’t be afraid to make mistakes. I’ve already made plenty!!